KKK to Boost Membership with Marketing Campaign, Free Hot Dogs

March 3, 2009, Listre, North Carolina—The Mid-Atlantic branch of the Ku Klux Klan announced Friday it has hired a marketing firm to help boost the organization’s dwindling membership. “There’s nothin’ more American than hangin' a nigger from a tree,” said Great Grand Dragon Cleetus Jeeter, “but we can’t rely on that no more to bring in the new boys.” Jeeter said the Klan’s newly unveiled marketing campaign has been designed to reveal a kinder, gentler Klan, which is sensitive to today’s whites.

He says the first phase of the campaign will feature “block-burnings.” Jeeter admits “block-burning” sounds a bit off-putting. “We ain’t burnin’ city blocks or nothin’. We’re just replacing burnin’ crosses with burnin’ blocks of wood. People has got the wrong idea about our crosses, so we’re gonna start fresh.

We had changed the name to ‘Rapture Days,’” said Jeeter, “but someone forgot to call the print shop. Next thing you know, we got some eighty thousand ‘block-burning’ flyers, and they’s too costly to redo. He knows to change the name for next year.”

Jeeter is also telling folks they need to bring more than an appetite for a race war. “We’ll be giving away roasted hot dogs, too.” he said. “Besides, we figured we already had the fires goin’ you know.” Jeeter says the group is doing it’s best to court the environmentally conscious racists who have strongly criticized the Klan’s failure to go green, much less even clean up themselves, ever. Jeeter says the Klan will now be collecting trash as well as militantly segregating the recyclables from at all events. “Sure we killed us some Jews last year,” said Jeeter, “but nothing ruins a good hate crime like a bunch of litterbugs.”

The second phase of the Klan’s marketing campaign will initiate a so-called “billboard blitzkrieg.” The ads will feature a hooded Klan member, holding a fully-garnished hot dog in one hand while giving a thumbs up with the other. “The marketing boys wanted to show folks our friendly side by showin’ a Klansman without his hood,” Jeeter laments, “but won’t nobody do it.” The campaign seemed stymied, but the marketing team overcame that hurdle with a catchy slogan, which Jeeter says is the backbone of this campaign.

The billboards, as well as magazine ads, lapel pins and bumper stickers will focus on that slogan—showcasing the organization’s new “Klan-Do” attitude. Future marketing phases will support the slogan with pictures of Klansmen helping old, white ladies across the street and helping old, white men bag their groceries—all while giving a big thumbs up. Jeeter says the new image is just the shot in the arm the Klan needs.

“It brings a tear to my eye, and that’s a fact,” says Jeeter, grinning and giving a big thumbs up. “Klan-Do! Heh, heh. Serious, though. Jesus would be proud. I think it’s somethin’ real positive that God-fearin’, race-hatin’ whites can really get behind.”